NOWHERE - looking for a new home

 It's night and here I go, through the city, now going across a middle class neighborhood, I try to speak with some people at the windows, this is, I try to tell them my story, but it’s like they don’t understand my language, as they finish their cigarette, they close the windows and inside they go. So, I get the courage, and decide to enter into some of these buildings, battering on doors, going up and down on lifts, etc. Some of them don't answer, and others (despite the signals of life inside), don't open, this is, they spy me through the keyhole.  But still, sometimes, they want to know who am I and what I want from them. And according to the roughness of their voices, I was Jack, I was John, I was Gabriel the angel, but they didn't care, I was always sent away. Even so, I did not give up so easily, and I continued to go from building to building. Still trying. Then, at some point, one proprietor caught me in the corridor and tried to push me out of his building, screaming, and as this was happening, some of the dwellers were coming out in pajamas, some trying to understand what was going on… others already calling me names… and so, in one of these happenings, there was a certain middle aged woman that in the middle of all this mess, she came by and pulled me inside her apartment while saying BACK OFF to the other ones on the corridor. And once inside, she even offered me tea in her cozy living room and as I tried to explain myself, she says “actually you don't need to hurry up telling your story all in a sudan, relax, you can tell it later... after the tea and the cookies, and… there is no need for big acknowledgements…” So I deep breathed and installed myself on an old fashioned couch while looking around... some pictures of discolored birds on the  walls, and I see that the stuff inside the cupboard is a bit messy and the fan on the ceiling is making a slight continuous hissing. Plus, the door on my back is half-open, and from here I even can see that someone inside is watching a movie. This is, from here I can spot part of the screen of the computer but not the person in the back of  it. So, as it goes, I may say that that movie looks kinda familiar to me, and also the soundtrack, but while I wonder about it, the door closes, and then, I can’t see or hear anything more… And so, my host explains, “That's my daughter, Maho… not a very social one, she just worries about... well.. I'm not sure what she really worries about… since she left school, she shows no interest in anything, doesn't want to go and look for a3 job... look for a life... she just stays there... watching movies... too much like her father...”; “But Ma'am, I advise you, that's how I started too, pay attention to how you treat her… you better not censure her too much, coz one day, like me, maybe she will get out and never come back...  like me that… got tired of my family's criticism and just went away... to never come back...”; “Oh I see, but where have you been, all this time?”; “Well, I have been on the road... walked thousands of kilometers going from city to city and finally managed to find a job in a meat factory… my job was to remove the bones from pieces of meat, I was a dis-boner, removing the bones from pork ribs, with a special double knife I worked on these ribs all day... and sometimes during the night... I did overtime too”; “Ouh poor you..  but when was that??”; “Ages ago, or perhaps not that much... I'm not good with numbers and time anyway...”; “I see, but you are still young...”; “Yes, you are right mam, me what they call an eternal teenager… isn’t it?”; “Hum... they... but who are they?”; “They, the trained ones, the students of the brain... the specialists of the mind, I mean…”; “...hum, and are you OK with that?”; “I'm very ok mam... I don't care about anything they say...”; “So, afterall, you never came back home, since that first time you abandoned your family to go look for... well, to go look for a job?”; “Right, I never came back...”; “But… where have you been more precisely, can I ask you?”; “I have been in many places, many countries, worked in many shitty jobs, different kinds of factories, operating machines, dreaming of myself being sucked by these machines... so, after the meat factory I changed to another country and found work in a timber factory, but it didn't last for long... I also worked in some glass factory... making windows for offices... and I worked in a mattress factory... that was not so bad... and, my last one was a stone factory... there we had to use a mask all the time because of the dust... it was depressing... we were making engravings for the cemetery tombs... and after that I never got a job 4 again...”; “And no relatives can help you?”; “I didn't ask for their help, and I forgot everything about them...”; “And so, since then what have you been doing?”; “Well, walking around... being a hobo here and there... I have been in many countries... crossed many deserts... almost died in the last one...”; “Found your oasis finally?”; “The oasis is inside, not outside...”; “Can't fully understand your words, but that's ok, if you fell happy here now, enjoy your time... it's my pleasure to give you a place to rest before your next... let’s say... your next desert crossing...”; “No more deserts crosses for me mam, please... I had enough from deserts… wanna tell you... today I just got out of that sandstorm machine... wanna tell you, today I feel human again...” And as I say these things she is watching me, with curiosity, and then I stand up, I walk around this living room, and as I approach the window, I open it and put my head out... so, now, down there I see a horse (maybe a donkey), grazing the grass in the back of the buildings... and I don't know why, I begin to yell some onomatopoeias... like “arrrshurrruffuff”, just because... and the woman on my back, is already romping into a strange kind of dry laugh... roaring like a female lion... and for a while I continue to throw this onomatopeias out of the window, till that, the neighbors are also joining me, shouting from another side windows, some of them cursing, some yelling, some pronouncing the name of god in vain... and so, the spectacle continues like this during some time until that the madam begin to fight with her own breath and can’t laugh no more... Then, she comes by and pulls me out from the window... and I don't resist that much. Thus, the window is closed now, but the neighbors on the side windows are still quarreling. And as we turn back, now I can see a girl with long black hair standing by the door-still of her room, watching the whole scene. And so, this girl, her daughter, as she looks at us she shows some disgust on the main facade but also some kind of smile in the corners of her mouth. And then finally there she goes “What's going on here?? And who is this man here? Why is he doing a pathetic scene like this in our house?”; “Don't worry, sweeter... this man is… is the, well... he is the new plumber let’s say... can't you see? He came to clean out the roast from the tubes…” and as she says this me and the ma’am are sharing half smiles, and her the daughter, with some kind of hatred expression in her face, now says “So very fucking funny you two are… and what are you gonna do next hein… invite him to live here hein... that is, will you pay for his food just to listen to his babbling and prattle? And then will we have his beggar friends coming over for super too??... and then, will you let them stay overnight, too?... And then will they fight between them for the best places to sleep, hein??... may it be over the kitchen table, or who knows, on the back of the curtains... or even inside the wardrobe, or in your room... is that what you want, hein? And then I will see, they will get really mad... they will disrespect us and our neighbors and they will throw us out, sell all our stuff and smash the house... is this what you want for your life, hein? Do you know this person by instance?” And as she says those things, her expression is serious but her tune sounds very silly at the same time... and I know, she had stolen some of her interjections from an old black n' white movie from the fifties that I also have seen... but I'm not sure about the name... I knew the very same scenes she had just resumed... and I could tell it even with more details... but her mother probably did not know about this movie, and so, took the comments form her daughter too much in the heart, and her face turned pale, and for sure, there is many kind of feelings fighting inside her head and nervous system by now... And then she advances like this “You stupid girl... don't you scream like that on me... you are just as ungrateful as your father was, I gave you everything, I took food from my month to feed you... to feed both of you... and... what happened? One disappeared when more was needed.... and the other... passes now the time locked in the room... almost not talking to me... not showing any humanity… just addressing me with bad words, insulting me... and so, what do you want now? Who are you to judge the people I receive at MY house? Are you jealous? What is all this nonsense about? And why are you trying to control what is not yours... If you want to be the boss, why don't you go and find a job? Why don't you pay for your food? Why don’t you help me to pay the rent... so then, you can stand up, and choose the right people to live here…” And so, even before the mother finishes her discourse, the daughter's hands are already passing through the cupboard with violence. And one by one she smashes all those crystal figures against the floor. And then, she goes inside her bedroom, and more sounds of stuff being broken we can hear… and while this happen, the mother tries to enter that same room, but she can't, coz the door is blocked, until that, finally, the daughter is getting out from there with a small leather pack on her back, her hands going over tables again... some more decoration stuff being broken... and as she make her way out through the main door, this is her final words: “You fat cow... you will neversee me again... for long I have grown tired of you... I'm gonna live with my father... you bitch!” she says as the main door from the apartment is being slammed. And so, she is gone, like I have predicted. And now, we have here this mother bursting into a pathetic cry, and then there she goes, opening the door again and running to the corridor, and yes, she goes on to pursue of her daughter, and when she reaches the top of the stairs, this mother tries to slap her daughter but the girl manages to push the mother against the wall, gets in the lift and down she goes. And the mother is left over there, stretched on the carpet, weeping and gurgling like it’s the end of the world... and so, now the neighbors are coming out of their flats, again, they watch this woman there, and they are also watching me on the door... and here I’m, hesitating between advancing to help the ma’am or close the door... But, fast as it goes, I have no time to choose, because, two men, the same ones that hours ago have tried to expel me from this same corridor, I guess, they take hold of me, grasping my arms, one each side… and I’m being pushed down the stairs, this is, they are dragging me... calling me all kind of dirty names... and with a kick, into the streets I’m being thrown... but not so bad,  nothing broke, I manage to stand up, and I still can walk. And so, afterwards, not so far from that place, at some other street, I find another open door, and again, I enter the building, I make my way to the last floor, and as I reach it, I go through the corridor and instantly I lay down on a mat by a door, the shoes under my head. And then, inside some kind of dream, again, I listen to the squeak of the brakes of a train coming to a halt, and then out of this train is coming a man accompanied by a blue monkey under an umbrella, and there they go walking through the platform, and then I see a letter passing under the door where I’m staying, and so, straight away I pick it up and try to read it but, I can't really understand what is written on it, coz, It's a terrible calligraphy, it looks like mine actually, and in the middle of this letter there is also some little monster faces and some kind of pink elephant and a couple of butterflies with big antennas... and so, at some point I come out of my barrack looking for the possible postman, but, I can’t see no one... this is, even the train station is no more there now...  all this is should be a dream inside a dream but when I touch the roses in the garden under the window, I hurt my fingers in the thorns... and it turns out that there are a lot of people behind the bushes, on the other side of this same garden, and all of them are half asleep, and only half of their bodies are actually visible... and so, I ask them what are they doing there by the wall of my barrack but, I get no answer… this is, they look so tired of waiting, that they can't talk at all... I think to myself. And while I turn up, now looking at these stone stars, I see, by chance, over the roof of my barrack, the same blue monkey, still holding that umbrella, then he turns to me and says with a certain kind of businessman tune that he has a mission for me,  and when I want to know which is the mission he says  that “in the letter you have in your hands is the instruction for that mission… but, do not care about what is written... this is, you better burn the paper and read the message in the smoke” he says, with his nasal intonation, and there I stay, thinking about it.